I had a weird encounter yesterday. I was standing in line at a store in town when I saw someone I went to highschool with and started a conversation with her. Her mother was with her and started asking the usual questions: where do I get my clothes, purse, all the "Goth stuff," etc. Ok, fine.
Then she asks if I dress my son in "gothic" too. I explained to her, in a polite and approchable way, that Zach picks out all his own clothes and that while, yes, he does tend to choose things of a spooky nature, he wears other things too.
Then came the weird part.
She says "I bet he goes to school and tells everyone, 'my mama's a witch!'".
Yeah.....cause that's funny.
Two assumptions are being made here: first that I would make my child dress like me, and second that he would see my choice of outfits as "weird" like everyone else does.
1. I am actually different than a lot of parents in letting Zach choose all of his clothes. I've see many that I know choose things for their child because they felt it was cute or what the child might want. This decision made with a heavy dose of what the parent thinks, not the child themselves. Children are little people, they have their own wants and likes and to stifle that because "you" don't like it or don't think it's cut enough is simply scary.
2. My child does not see me as weird, my child does not see me as a witch; this is because I have taught my child to be appreciative of difference and tolerate the views and options of other people. So he knows that not every one who dresses in black is a witch, nor is any one who is different from him somehow bad or scary.
Sorry about the rant, but I had to get this one out there: do any other alternative parents run into these situations? What has been the worst assumption made about you?
Yeah, that is annoying. I sometimes wonder what other kids parents will think of me if I have kids sometime in the future.
ReplyDeleteI went to a goth picnic on the weekend, and the thing that struck me most was that all the kids of goth people that were there were so well behaved, so friendly, so much better behaved than most of the other kids I have seen around lately. And they also seemed to get on really well with their parents. They were a range of ages, from little to teen/ adult.
I am not saying that normal people can't bring their kids up right, of course, but really, these alternative parents are obviously doing something right!
I hope I'm doing it right. Things like this really make me worry about the treatment he is going to get from his peers, and their parents, when he gets older.
DeleteFrom my point of view, the most annoying thing in this episode is how she started with "how are you, where do you buy your stuff", pretending to be just nice and curious, when what she really wanted to do was to criticize you as a goth and as a parent.
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing is people often do this, they call you a "witch" or whatever or they somehow suggest there's something wrong with your lifestyle, but they do it with a smile so they have the excuse that they were just kidding, and you can't take offense.
Well, this woman was really rude, quite ignorant, and most of all hypocritical.
And she was smiling and laughing the whole time! She thought she was being cute, evidently.
DeleteMh, from my experience with these kind of comments, I think she was just trying to make it look like she wasn't criticizing you, not because she's a kind person, but because that would be rude and would have made her the bad guy in that situation - which she wanted _you_ to be. That's incredibly mean, I'm really sorry you had to deal with this kind of false-faced people :/
DeleteWhat an annoying experience! We are not that different than other parents. For me it's impossible to choos clothes for my children, thats like playing roulette. I buy clothes without their permission very seldom because I wan't them to choose and they wan't to choose. Feel sorry for those kids who are dressed like old little uncles and aunts.
ReplyDeleteRight now I pretty much know what he likes, and I have ventured out and bought him a t-shirt or two with out him being with me, as a surprise. He's only five though, so he could very early decide when he gets older that he doesn't want to dress like his father and I anymore.
DeleteWhile I do buy clothes for my daughter without her being there, needless to say, it's really her decision whether she wears them, or not. She's always been very adamant about not wearing certain things since before she was two (she's six, now). Many items have been donated to charity either worn once, or not at all. I do have a pretty good sense of what she likes, though.
DeleteIt's kind of funny, though, as we just moved into a new school district that requires uniforms (a practice I absolutely abhor), but she doesn't seem to mind, too much. As long as she can choose accessories & socks, she's good. Lately, it's been glitter & flowers, but it can change any day to pumpkins, skulls, & spiders.
And even if you were a witch--so what? Most of them are nice people too. So, even though that lady was trying, with a smile on her face, to criticize your style, she was shedding another group in a negative light as well.
ReplyDeleteFunny thing is she would never recognize a real witch if she saw one, generally speaking.
DeleteMy kids are 23 and 15 (almost 16) and they have grown up as individuals who are tolerant of others. They are not goths (although my daughter still loves coming to Whitby and being part of the scene there every year) but they are unique and respect other people and their lifestyle choices. They have grown up around fairy gothmothers (of all genders)and pagans and witches and are both well rounded lovely people :-)
ReplyDeletehe he, I am one of the most gentle people I know and I have a very fun outlook on life.
ReplyDeleteWhen sharing a table with another family and their grandparents (who we had not been introduced to), the smallest child came to the table in tears. We all stopped to ask why he was upset and he complained that a bigger child had bullied him.
Jokingly I asked him if he would like me to go and sort the bully out... we were all laughing because anyone who knows me knows that I wouldn't hurt a fly, let alone a child... The Grandmother looked at me in horror ~ bless her heart, she then realised I was joking but she commented that I looked quite scary!
I was wearing knee hight biker boots, black skinny jeans, a skull & crossbones belt and a black batwing top ~ I really looked quite stylish... Not scary at all. Especially not with the big smile I usually wear.
Bless her! :)
I don't have children. From the few alternative parents that I know of, I've always wondered about the day to day interactions with people. It sounds as though it's like high school all over again :/
ReplyDeleteIt strikes me that hardly anything is said with genuine curiosity.
I randomly stumbled on to your blog, but I can say that I can relate to this problem. (I'm goth and live in georgia). I have gotten very nasty comments from people and have even been told that "people like me" should never have children. My little girl is only 10 months old right now so for now I pick out all of her clothes ("normal" and Victorian style), but when she gets older she will have the choice of picking out what ever she wants.
ReplyDeleteMy husband and I (both gothy) are planning babies and it'll be interesting to see more stuff from goth parents. I wonder if we'll get our own series of tropes like hippie parents.
ReplyDeleteMy oldest daughter is now 15, but when was 9 we moved house, and she went to a new school. On the second day, after all the kids had seen me pick her up the day before, some of them asked "does your mum worship the devil?". I was pretty subtle, black trousers, green winter parka with furry hood, DM's and black hair. Nothing major. She got sick of the questions so I taught her a little about the world of goth so she could educate her peers ;) Now she gets "is your mum an Emo?", she explains politely that no, I'm not an Emo, I'm a goth, and I have a great appreciation for all things dark and wonderful. My oldest doesn't take after me, she's into fashion, and girly pink things. My 5yr old however informs me that she NEEDS some DM's lol So maybe I'll have one who shares my passion :)
ReplyDeleteI let my boys pick their own cloths too I take my kids as their own people with the own personality's just because I'm goth doesn't make them goth
ReplyDeleteHi. I'm a mommy. I'm not a goth mommy. I am a hippie/redneck mommy. I like four'wheelers, motor bikes, love horses, (great friends!) and I am barefoot for most of the year. To all the goth moms out there, let me tell you a secret. You do not have to be goth to have to deal with bullies, mainstream or otherwise. These people will come up with any reason to pick at you, even if they have to pull something out of thin air. I have never been called a witch, but I have had my own stereotypes thrown at me. Because I am a stay at home mom and my husband is more of a blue-collar material, people automatically think that we are stupid. Because I look much younger than I actually am, (30 something) people tend to look down on me because they see my kids and assume that I had them before I got out of high school. I'm sure I will appreciate that some day, so I'm told, but for now I am just annoyed that people have nothing better to do but assume without asking and can't mind their own business. Because I'm barefoot, I'm a tree hugger....Well that one is true..:) Some of these trees I would much rather hug than some of these people anyway.
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